Dark Reign: The List- Avengers (#1 of #8) Review
Writer: Bendis
Artist: Mark Djurdjevic
OK, Dark Reign seems FINALLY to advance after nearly a year of spinning it's wheels. Granted, it's in Uncanny X-Men (under Matt Fraction) of all places where the plot advances, but hey it's finally advancing towards SOMETHING.
"Dark Reign: The List" is Marvel's way of doing a big event while not really doing a big event. Eight one-shots, focusing on a single plot as Norman Osborn starts going after the eight biggest threats against his tyranny: Clint "Hawkeye/Ronin" Barton, Daredevil, the X-Men, the Secret Warriors of Nick Fury, Punisher, Hulk, Wolverine, and Spider-Man. Furthermore, each list is done by that creative team's writers, so in theory each book can be read by itself as far as affecting (in theory) only that character's title if you are not incline to buy the rest of the books.
Decent idea in theory, but it's a lame idea since we only have Marvel's word that this is a "big" event and will actually affect the main books. After all, two arcs since Civil War and Norman Osborn's rise to power within the US Government has barely affected Spider-Man while at the same time I don't see Bendis sticking his neck out to bring Norman's new mistress, Menace, into Dark Avengers as far as Norman trotting his baby mamma around for the world to see.
But let's get onto the issue in front of me: the X-Men kicking Norman's ass in public and totally and utterly exposing his evil schemes for quelling the "mutant problem" have made Norman telling Ares that they need to start going on offensive and remove those "problems" that are still running. And by problems, Norman means those super-heroes who he hasn't neutralized yet. Hence the list of threats that Norman decide need to be taken down ASAP.
Elsewhere, Bendis's wholesale character derailment of Clint Barton aka Hawkeye but now stuck with the lame-ass "Ronin" alter-ego, continues like a freight train as he once again calls for the Avengers to kill Norman Osborn. Bendis's obsession with destroying Hawkeye by portraying him as a blood-thirsty, "Kill Them All" type is even more sad and insulting to the intelligence of fans when you consider that Hawkeye has (until Bendis got his fat fingers on him) NEVER ADVOCATED MURDER. Hell, he was outright willing to divorce his wife Mockingbird when she took a human life, and the man she killed RAPED HER! A plot point Bendis opts to ignore outright, I might add, as if such a MAJOR DEFINING MOMENT in Mockingbird's history NEVER HAPPENED! That's the sort of of quality "I didn't do the research and proud of it" hack writing that I'm praying will get Bendis shitcanned from Marvel as soon as Disney starts throwing it's weight around Marvel as far as seeing the mismanaged "inmates running the crazy house" crap Bendis and his ilk have been getting away with.
Oh and to just hammer home Bendis's contempt for the audience, he has all of the other New Avengers yell at Clint for daring to say that they should kill Norman. Even after Clint raises the only sane logical point in this "Everyone Hate Hawkeye" moment of contempt that Bendis is tossing at us, as Clint reminds us that Spidey could have stopped Norman's rise to power YEARS AGO if he only had the balls to do something. But given that Marvel is being run by people who think writing Spider-Man as an irresponsible douchebag who drinks and has drunk sex with a woman and then stays quiet when a villain disguised as him initiates sex with said woman, not telling her that she was effectively "raped" by a super-villain is the type of hero people relate to, said line is the closest we've had to anyone calling out Peter for his non-handling of Norman Osborn ever since Norman got handed control over the Thunderbolts about three years ago.
The only good thing comes from this issue is Clint Barton single-handedly taking down most of the Dark Avengers until of course he reaches Ares, who defeats Clint without breaking a sweat as Norman declares Hawkeye under arrest. Clint utterly owning Bullseye and Daken in combat (and Bendis, in a shock of shock, having Moonstone and Clint refer back to their days on the Thunderbolts) uplift what for the most part is a boring issue that mainly consists of Bendis giving the middle finger to Hawkeye fans.
The book also has previews for the next two "The List" issues: Daredevil and X-Men. While the Daredevil preview is a full-on preview, the X-Men one omits all dialogue bubbles and features random pages from the actual book.
Final Thoughts: Horrible issue with the exception of Hawkeye kicking Dark Avengers butts. And who knows when Bendis will follow up on this plot point. Knowing him, I could see him just plain forgetting that Clint was captured and never mention him again.....
Friday, September 11, 2009
Saturday, August 29, 2009
Reading Activities: War of Kings 2 of 6
War of Kings #2
"Every Last One of Them"
Written By Abnett and Lanning
Drawn by Paul Pelletier
---------------------------------------
As Gladiator watches a world burn thanks to a Nega-Bomb detonation, his prisoner Lilandra, deposed Empress of the Shi'ar Empire, is turned over to the new and quite evil, Emperor Vulcan. Vulcan's in a good mood, what with the genocide and total war he's been waging these last couple of months. Vulcan gloats at the carnage he has brought about even as he reminds Lilandra that she herself used the Nega-Bomb on the Kree years prior as part of the original Kree-Shi'ar War. Granted, Lilandra was using REALLY powerful Negabombs, while the ones Vulcan is using seem to lack the total, galaxy destroying carnage that Lilandra's Nega-Bomb had.
Meanwhile on Hala, Medusa tells the Kree that their new Inhuman overlords will destroy the Kree and avenge the destruction that the Shi'ar have unleashed upon Hala. Needless to say, the Kree are unimpressed as the citizens riot and blame the Inhumans for the attack. In their private council room, the Inhumans discuss how they have to stop the Shi'ar and the implications a war will have on their project to kickstart Kree evolution (the "Uplift Project"), which is the only reason why the Inhumans have been given control over the Kree in the first place. As they discuss the urgent need to beat the Shi'ar and beat them fast in order to keep the masses under their thumb, it's clear that they need Ronan's help to stop the Shi'ar since the Kree love their former Accuser and will settle down if he could talk to them.
But Ronan is in a hospital bed, badly hurt, as we see Polaris and Crystal standing at his bedside. Polaris tells Crystal that the attack should be taken as a sign that the universe doesn't want Crystal to marry Ronan. In spite of this, Crystal now seems to be more devoted to Ronan than ever before as the sight of the brutally beaten Kree warrior has caused Crystal to magically develop feelings for Ronan. Polaris tells her that the Starjammers are preparing to head out and fight Vulcan's forces and asks her to join them. Crystal says no, until Ronan wakes up and asks how the Kree people are doing. After being told that they are praying for his speedy recovery and return to power, he reminds her of their alliance and tells her to not let him down as far as looking after the Kree.
Crystal and Polaris head out to see the other injured Kree at the medical center, with Crystal using her power over the elements to bring forth much needed water for the masses. She also tells the masses that the attack by the Shi'ar is a sign that Vulcan fears the Kree/Inhuman alliance and that the attack will be avenged.
As Maximus (Black Bolt's evil brother) finishes working on a ship, Karnak discusses how the above-mentioned speach by Crystal has already hit the Kree version of cable news and has gotten the masses to settle down. Of course, Medusa chimes in that Crystal was lying through her teeth as if the Inhumans don't give a damn about the Kree and even openly yells "PAH!" in a disgusted tone when Maximus reveals that the Kree public are already calling Crystal "The People's Princess". With the Starjammers preparing to leave that night to help the Kree counter-attack, Maximus reveals the new line of robot Sentries he has created for the Kree Armada: Blackbolt-esque "Chorus Sentries".
Maximus's flare for creating death devices is brought up as Crystal narrates the Kree counter-attack against the second wave of battleships of the Shi'ar Armada. Containing the sound power of Black Bolt's voice of doom, they make short work of the Shi'ar as Polaris uses her magnetic power to help sneak the Starjammer ship onto the hull of a larger Shi'ar warship, so that Havok could blast a hole into it and allow Triton, the aquatic Inhuman, and his group of zero gravity suit wearing soldiers to enter into the warship and destroy it.
When then cut to Vulcan being told that the entire second wave of Shi'ar warships have been destroyed. Needless to say, Vulcan is not amused at all and proclaims again, his intention to kill all of his enemies: the Kree, the Inhumans, and their allies, starting with Lilandra, who finds herself facing Vulcan even as he charges up his fists to blast her with his energy blast powers.
Two Cents: More self-contained joy in the sense that I don't have to buy a bunch of tie-ins to follow the story. Sadly, the main mini-series lacks any sort of feeling of an actual crossover; it feels more like a glorified "Inhumans" mini-series with special guest stars the Starjammers.
"Every Last One of Them"
Written By Abnett and Lanning
Drawn by Paul Pelletier
---------------------------------------
As Gladiator watches a world burn thanks to a Nega-Bomb detonation, his prisoner Lilandra, deposed Empress of the Shi'ar Empire, is turned over to the new and quite evil, Emperor Vulcan. Vulcan's in a good mood, what with the genocide and total war he's been waging these last couple of months. Vulcan gloats at the carnage he has brought about even as he reminds Lilandra that she herself used the Nega-Bomb on the Kree years prior as part of the original Kree-Shi'ar War. Granted, Lilandra was using REALLY powerful Negabombs, while the ones Vulcan is using seem to lack the total, galaxy destroying carnage that Lilandra's Nega-Bomb had.
Meanwhile on Hala, Medusa tells the Kree that their new Inhuman overlords will destroy the Kree and avenge the destruction that the Shi'ar have unleashed upon Hala. Needless to say, the Kree are unimpressed as the citizens riot and blame the Inhumans for the attack. In their private council room, the Inhumans discuss how they have to stop the Shi'ar and the implications a war will have on their project to kickstart Kree evolution (the "Uplift Project"), which is the only reason why the Inhumans have been given control over the Kree in the first place. As they discuss the urgent need to beat the Shi'ar and beat them fast in order to keep the masses under their thumb, it's clear that they need Ronan's help to stop the Shi'ar since the Kree love their former Accuser and will settle down if he could talk to them.
But Ronan is in a hospital bed, badly hurt, as we see Polaris and Crystal standing at his bedside. Polaris tells Crystal that the attack should be taken as a sign that the universe doesn't want Crystal to marry Ronan. In spite of this, Crystal now seems to be more devoted to Ronan than ever before as the sight of the brutally beaten Kree warrior has caused Crystal to magically develop feelings for Ronan. Polaris tells her that the Starjammers are preparing to head out and fight Vulcan's forces and asks her to join them. Crystal says no, until Ronan wakes up and asks how the Kree people are doing. After being told that they are praying for his speedy recovery and return to power, he reminds her of their alliance and tells her to not let him down as far as looking after the Kree.
Crystal and Polaris head out to see the other injured Kree at the medical center, with Crystal using her power over the elements to bring forth much needed water for the masses. She also tells the masses that the attack by the Shi'ar is a sign that Vulcan fears the Kree/Inhuman alliance and that the attack will be avenged.
As Maximus (Black Bolt's evil brother) finishes working on a ship, Karnak discusses how the above-mentioned speach by Crystal has already hit the Kree version of cable news and has gotten the masses to settle down. Of course, Medusa chimes in that Crystal was lying through her teeth as if the Inhumans don't give a damn about the Kree and even openly yells "PAH!" in a disgusted tone when Maximus reveals that the Kree public are already calling Crystal "The People's Princess". With the Starjammers preparing to leave that night to help the Kree counter-attack, Maximus reveals the new line of robot Sentries he has created for the Kree Armada: Blackbolt-esque "Chorus Sentries".
Maximus's flare for creating death devices is brought up as Crystal narrates the Kree counter-attack against the second wave of battleships of the Shi'ar Armada. Containing the sound power of Black Bolt's voice of doom, they make short work of the Shi'ar as Polaris uses her magnetic power to help sneak the Starjammer ship onto the hull of a larger Shi'ar warship, so that Havok could blast a hole into it and allow Triton, the aquatic Inhuman, and his group of zero gravity suit wearing soldiers to enter into the warship and destroy it.
When then cut to Vulcan being told that the entire second wave of Shi'ar warships have been destroyed. Needless to say, Vulcan is not amused at all and proclaims again, his intention to kill all of his enemies: the Kree, the Inhumans, and their allies, starting with Lilandra, who finds herself facing Vulcan even as he charges up his fists to blast her with his energy blast powers.
Two Cents: More self-contained joy in the sense that I don't have to buy a bunch of tie-ins to follow the story. Sadly, the main mini-series lacks any sort of feeling of an actual crossover; it feels more like a glorified "Inhumans" mini-series with special guest stars the Starjammers.
Reading Activities: War of Kings 1 of 6
First of a six part review of the main "War of the Kings" mini-series.
"War of Kings #1"
"Asunder"
Written by Dan Abnett and Andy Lanning
Drawn by Paul Pelletier
-----------------------------------
We start with the Starjammers (Havok, Polaris, Rachel "Marve Girl" Summers, Lilandra, Ch'od, and Korvus) in a ship desperately fleeing the hounds of hell, sicced upon them by Havok's evil, long lost brother Vulcan. As they reach the border shield protecting the Kree from the Shi'ar Empire, Havok's on the communication system, begging the Kree to drop the barrier to let them through or else they are going to crash and splatter across the energy barrier. When this fails, and with the Shi'ar warships getting a weapon's lock on the Starjammers ship, Polaris takes action. Polaris yells to the Kree soldier in charge of letting people through the forcefield, proclaiming that she's an invited guest to her ex-teammate, I mean half-brother's ex-wife's wedding, to get them through the barrier. This gets them through the force field even as the Shi'ar ships crash into the energy shield like bugs.
We then cut to Crystal and her handmaidens preparing her for the big ceremony as she prepares to marry Ronan the Accuser, as part of a political alliance between the Kree and the Inhumans. The following sequence is pretty lame, since A. Crystal wasn't around when the insane "Polaris is Magneto's kid" retcon was made and B. the whole sequence makes both women look bad. Polaris mocks his name and the absurdity of Crystal marrying someone named "Ronan the Accuser" while Crystal making it outright clear that it's a sham marriage designed mainly so that the Inhumans royal family can consolidate power over the Krees. The whole is made worse when you see that Ronan is outside the window, flowers in hand, as he hears his soon-to-be bride talking shit about him. I suppose this is to make Ronan sympathetic, but still it's pretty much a low blow all things considered and makes you wonder why Ronan would even consider going through with the marriage.
Meanwhile, Lilandra is doing her best to convince Black Bolt to give her and the Starjammers both sanctuary and to form an alliance with her against Vulcan, pointing out that Vulcan's a bad man who "has never seen a tract of space that he didn't think would look better with his flag flying over it". He's also a man who: spent ten plus years buried in an island floating above the Earth, murdered his father and brother-in-law (granted D'Ken deserved it), burned the mighty X-Man Wolverine alive, murdered Banshee and a plane full of innocent people, and tortured his brother and his fellow Starjammers mercilessly for the last couple of months. Sadly Medusa isn't too impressed, even when Lilandra reminds her of the Imperial Guard, including superman-esque Gladiator, under Vulcan's command.
Speaking of which, we cut to Vulcan and Gladiator inspecting the Imperial Guard as they all tell him that "(They) serve at the pleasure of Emperor Vulcan. There is a bit with the introduction of the new Guardsman Smasher (real name Vril Rokk, another Legion of the Super-Heroes nod for a group that are one big homage to the Legion). This leads to us getting narration by Gladiator as he justifies being the biggest tool in the known universe, explaining that he is loyal to whoever runs the Shi'ar Empire, even if they are a complete and total sociopathic monster like Vulcan. As Gladiator tells Vulcan that the wedding of Crystal and Ronan is about to begin, Vulcan crypticall mentions his "present" for the soon to be married couple. And by present, he means "full-on invasion, complete with the Imperial Guard attacking the wedding ceremony on the Kree homeworld of Hala.
As the wedding ceremony begins and Crystal is being led to the altar by Black Bolt, the purple skinned changling Hobgoblin, blows up the tower projecting the massive protective forcefield suicide bomber-style, all while saying (in a cryptically sad tone) "I serve at the pleasure of Emperor Vulcan". There is a blinding flash that can be seen at the ice palace where the wedding is taking place, even as Rachel gets a psychic flash of danger in the form of a "...Huge, huge, huge teleportation burst!". Which makes Lilandra go "Oh Shit!" as she realizes that Vulcan is launching a full-scale assault on Hala.
As the Imperial Guard fall towards the palace with the intent on destroying it and everyone there, Vulcan sits in his spaceship in the Imperial fleet and oks the use of the Nega-Bomb; a monsterous weapon of mass destruction that the Shi'ar used in their last war against the Kree and which kills billions. As the Imperial Guard trash the palace and Gladiator personally destroying the giant sized robot Kree Sentries, Havok once again finds himself questioning how he can be related to such a monsterous figure.
Gladiator's narration shows that the rest of the Imperial Guard don't do as well: the new Smasher and Nightside are killed as Blackbolt attacks Gladiator and starts to strangle him. Sadly, new Imperial Guardsman "White Noise" zaps Black Bolt long enough for Gladiator to incapacitate him.
But it's all a ruse of sorts as far as goals, as Lilandra is quietly knocked unconscious by the Brianiac 5-homage Mentor and taken through a teleportation portal. Ch'od sees this and tries to stop it, but only to fail gruesomely as his hand gets caught in the closing portal and is chomped off as a result. Ronan meanwhile holds his own until his hamer gets broken and he gets slammed into the pavement by giant sized Imperial Guard Titan. As Gladiator kills a Kree soldier with death vision, he tells his troops to prepare to teleport away. As they flee via mass teleportation: Havok realizes that Lilandra is gone, Ch'od blames himself for failing to save Lilandra, Crystal tries to wake up an unconscious Ronan, and Medusa (and Black Bolt, his costume damaged to show off his manly chest), screams that the Shi'ar will pay with their blood for this assault.
"War of Kings #1"
"Asunder"
Written by Dan Abnett and Andy Lanning
Drawn by Paul Pelletier
-----------------------------------
We start with the Starjammers (Havok, Polaris, Rachel "Marve Girl" Summers, Lilandra, Ch'od, and Korvus) in a ship desperately fleeing the hounds of hell, sicced upon them by Havok's evil, long lost brother Vulcan. As they reach the border shield protecting the Kree from the Shi'ar Empire, Havok's on the communication system, begging the Kree to drop the barrier to let them through or else they are going to crash and splatter across the energy barrier. When this fails, and with the Shi'ar warships getting a weapon's lock on the Starjammers ship, Polaris takes action. Polaris yells to the Kree soldier in charge of letting people through the forcefield, proclaiming that she's an invited guest to her ex-teammate, I mean half-brother's ex-wife's wedding, to get them through the barrier. This gets them through the force field even as the Shi'ar ships crash into the energy shield like bugs.
We then cut to Crystal and her handmaidens preparing her for the big ceremony as she prepares to marry Ronan the Accuser, as part of a political alliance between the Kree and the Inhumans. The following sequence is pretty lame, since A. Crystal wasn't around when the insane "Polaris is Magneto's kid" retcon was made and B. the whole sequence makes both women look bad. Polaris mocks his name and the absurdity of Crystal marrying someone named "Ronan the Accuser" while Crystal making it outright clear that it's a sham marriage designed mainly so that the Inhumans royal family can consolidate power over the Krees. The whole is made worse when you see that Ronan is outside the window, flowers in hand, as he hears his soon-to-be bride talking shit about him. I suppose this is to make Ronan sympathetic, but still it's pretty much a low blow all things considered and makes you wonder why Ronan would even consider going through with the marriage.
Meanwhile, Lilandra is doing her best to convince Black Bolt to give her and the Starjammers both sanctuary and to form an alliance with her against Vulcan, pointing out that Vulcan's a bad man who "has never seen a tract of space that he didn't think would look better with his flag flying over it". He's also a man who: spent ten plus years buried in an island floating above the Earth, murdered his father and brother-in-law (granted D'Ken deserved it), burned the mighty X-Man Wolverine alive, murdered Banshee and a plane full of innocent people, and tortured his brother and his fellow Starjammers mercilessly for the last couple of months. Sadly Medusa isn't too impressed, even when Lilandra reminds her of the Imperial Guard, including superman-esque Gladiator, under Vulcan's command.
Speaking of which, we cut to Vulcan and Gladiator inspecting the Imperial Guard as they all tell him that "(They) serve at the pleasure of Emperor Vulcan. There is a bit with the introduction of the new Guardsman Smasher (real name Vril Rokk, another Legion of the Super-Heroes nod for a group that are one big homage to the Legion). This leads to us getting narration by Gladiator as he justifies being the biggest tool in the known universe, explaining that he is loyal to whoever runs the Shi'ar Empire, even if they are a complete and total sociopathic monster like Vulcan. As Gladiator tells Vulcan that the wedding of Crystal and Ronan is about to begin, Vulcan crypticall mentions his "present" for the soon to be married couple. And by present, he means "full-on invasion, complete with the Imperial Guard attacking the wedding ceremony on the Kree homeworld of Hala.
As the wedding ceremony begins and Crystal is being led to the altar by Black Bolt, the purple skinned changling Hobgoblin, blows up the tower projecting the massive protective forcefield suicide bomber-style, all while saying (in a cryptically sad tone) "I serve at the pleasure of Emperor Vulcan". There is a blinding flash that can be seen at the ice palace where the wedding is taking place, even as Rachel gets a psychic flash of danger in the form of a "...Huge, huge, huge teleportation burst!". Which makes Lilandra go "Oh Shit!" as she realizes that Vulcan is launching a full-scale assault on Hala.
As the Imperial Guard fall towards the palace with the intent on destroying it and everyone there, Vulcan sits in his spaceship in the Imperial fleet and oks the use of the Nega-Bomb; a monsterous weapon of mass destruction that the Shi'ar used in their last war against the Kree and which kills billions. As the Imperial Guard trash the palace and Gladiator personally destroying the giant sized robot Kree Sentries, Havok once again finds himself questioning how he can be related to such a monsterous figure.
Gladiator's narration shows that the rest of the Imperial Guard don't do as well: the new Smasher and Nightside are killed as Blackbolt attacks Gladiator and starts to strangle him. Sadly, new Imperial Guardsman "White Noise" zaps Black Bolt long enough for Gladiator to incapacitate him.
But it's all a ruse of sorts as far as goals, as Lilandra is quietly knocked unconscious by the Brianiac 5-homage Mentor and taken through a teleportation portal. Ch'od sees this and tries to stop it, but only to fail gruesomely as his hand gets caught in the closing portal and is chomped off as a result. Ronan meanwhile holds his own until his hamer gets broken and he gets slammed into the pavement by giant sized Imperial Guard Titan. As Gladiator kills a Kree soldier with death vision, he tells his troops to prepare to teleport away. As they flee via mass teleportation: Havok realizes that Lilandra is gone, Ch'od blames himself for failing to save Lilandra, Crystal tries to wake up an unconscious Ronan, and Medusa (and Black Bolt, his costume damaged to show off his manly chest), screams that the Shi'ar will pay with their blood for this assault.
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
Bendis Avengers Rewind: New Avengers #28
New Avengers #28
"Revolution Two: Electric Bugaboo"
We open with the Nu-Nu Avengers on a rooftop in Japan, as Doctor Strange continues to be useless as far as being unable to teleport the team back to the United States. Luke yells at the team to be on the lookout for ninjas and Strange tries to talk to Echo, who's suddenly talking like an actual deaf person really talks. And to remind people that yes, Tom Brevoort is doing his job and fucking EDITTING Bendis, Iron Fist reminds Doctor Strange that Echo's deaf. Realizing that the Hand exposed her to mind altering drugs to make her weak-willed enough to be brainwashed, the team decides to take her to a hospital. However, Spider-Woman would rather the team go visit Silver Samurai's place instead to hide. They catch Silver Samurai, now missing a hand thanks to Wolverine, watching "Mean Girls" as Bendis makes the Avengers yap about the no-talent Lindsey Lohan complete with Spider-Man mentioning "Freaky Friday", which Lindsey did before she became a drunk never-was who crashed and burnt almost as soon as Hollywood proclaimed her "The It Girl" of the '00s.
No clue as to why Spider-Woman would have Doctor Strange teleport the team to Silver Samurai's place, except to watch Wolverine and his nemesis threaten each other over the whole "You chopped off my hand!"/"You stabbed me in the chest in a manner to cut my fucking heart into two pieces!" bantering. Soon Wolverine remembers Echo, tripping balls as Samurai puts two and two together about Echo being Ronin, and once again asks Wolverine why he brought the "scourge of the underworld" into his home, or even being in his house in general. Sadly we don't get Spider-Man saying "It was Spider-Woman's idea!" as Samurai goes straight into a tirade about how the Nu-Nu Avengers aren't even the "real" Avengers, as we get a cryptic reference to the villain knowing all about the schism within the team and Iron Man forming his own Avengers team. As Echo starts to heave, Silver Samurai sets up the rest of the issue flashbackwise as he asks how the devil the team even got into the country, since Doctor Strange is an impotent loser who doesn't even remember using chaos magic let alone remembering that chaos magic exist!
Which cues the flashback as we see Luke Cage accidentally stop a robbery at a super-market in Harlem the previous day as he gets seen by a cop. As the cop tries to arrest him (and shoots Luke in the face, forgetting that Luke is bulletproof), the hero formerly known as Power Man explains that "Hey! There is a robber over there on the floor! Arrest him and don't worry about me!".
By the time he leaves the store, the SHIELD Cape-Killer squad is waiting for him to arrest Luke Cage for violating the Super-Hero Registration Act. Even though Luke uses his real name and never really even HID his secret identity while working as a super-hero. Luke grabs one of the Cape-Killers out of his Cape Killing mini-jet craft and uses it to fly away to the new Nu-Nu Avenger Headquarters, which is Doctor Strange's house, which is boarded up and has a sign telling people a new Starbucks is going to be built there. Luke gets into the place, delivering his milk to his wife, Mary Sue Jones, as Doctor Strange exposites that he's using witchcraft to make the insides of the house seem empty as part of his cover for the Nu-Nu Avengers HQ as part of his cover story that he's sold his place to Starbucks, which Bendis slams by calling them a faceless corporation determined to turn New York into a giant strip mall the likes of which have never been seen. Bendis then spends a panel having Wong, Strange's man-servant, silently giving his boss the stink eye and then being told not to be snooty, to remind viewers to laugh at the joke Bendis just made. Ha-Ha....
We then see the Avengers eating noodles as Spider-Man reminds us again that Wong is a snooty ass plebian servant as Mary Sue announces, that once the SHRA is abolished and everything goes back to normal, she's going to hire a snooty asian guy to be her manservant. Which in turn leads to Wolverine cracking wise about how she already has one in the form of Luke Cage, which pisses Luke off since Bend... I mean Luke, doesn't like the fact that people are calling him pussy-whipped. Let alone a cool guy like Wolverine, who's very actions determine what is cool and what isn't cool.
Iron Fist breaks up the fighting as Spider-Woman teleportes into the room having come directly from a massive ten pile continuity trainwreck that not even Bendis's own cocksucking fanboys can defend: having just recently appeared in the over-priced and utterly unimportant "Civil War: The Initiative" one-shot that Bendis wrote, the Drew reveals that Ms. Marvel just told her that Captain America is alive and well and survived the assassination attempt. The Drew is all happy-happy, but everyone else thinks it's a trap. Especially since Cap is being held at "The Raft". So they all go to investigate, largely to shut the Drew up with Doctor Strange going first in his astral form to see Maria Hill ordering guards to stay alert and someone looking like Cap strapped down to a table. After Strange returns, we get Luke Cage going "We are the Avengers!" and go in full-force to rescue Captain America... or should I say Captain America's dead body.
Now a door opens and here comes the Iron Dick! Iron Dick tells the gang that they are under arrest and what the fuck? What are the Mighty Avengers doing here? They aren't even formed yet, what with the fact that Mighty Avengers ##1-11 taking place within a matter of days with no leyway whatsoever within the first six issues to have them appear this early in the pages of New Avengers?
Before my head explodes from yet another MAJOR MAJOR MAJOR continuity fuck-up from Bendis (seriously, can't even fucking keep his own two Avengers books continuity straight!), we cut back to Japan and Echo convulsing as Strange tries to help her purge her body of the bad LSD she was forcibly exposed to with "homeopathic enchantment spells". 'Cause offering his home to the Avengers, illusion spells, short distance teleportation, and homeopathic healing enchantment spells are all the fucking Sorcerer Supreme is good for. We now know why the Drew brought the team to Silver Samurai's place as she doesn't expect the Hand to think they'd seek sanctuary at Silver Samurai's place. Samurai mentions that the Hand has taken over all of Japan's criminal underworld and threatening decapitation to anyone who opposes Elektra's take-over. But before he can say anymore about the Hand's growing international expansion, Samurai slices Wolverine's throat with a sword and then gets knocked down to the ground by Luke Cage and Ronin #2. Suddenly Spider-Man's "Spidey Senses" start tingling and we get a full page shot of Elektra and her ninja horde minions leaping into the air as they attack Samurai's house.
Final Thoughts: Lame lame lame. Doctor Strange is useless, Spider-Woman's a dullard (though knowing she's a Skrull spy at least gives her some motive for the brainless decision to have Strange teleport the team to Silver Samurai's place), and Iron Man is still a giant dick. Oh and we have Bendis not being able to keep his shit making internally coherent as far as having the Mighty Avengers show up in New Avengers, even though in their own book, it's utterly impossible to fit into the timeline their appearing in this issue! And still no word on who's Ronin #2!
"Revolution Two: Electric Bugaboo"
We open with the Nu-Nu Avengers on a rooftop in Japan, as Doctor Strange continues to be useless as far as being unable to teleport the team back to the United States. Luke yells at the team to be on the lookout for ninjas and Strange tries to talk to Echo, who's suddenly talking like an actual deaf person really talks. And to remind people that yes, Tom Brevoort is doing his job and fucking EDITTING Bendis, Iron Fist reminds Doctor Strange that Echo's deaf. Realizing that the Hand exposed her to mind altering drugs to make her weak-willed enough to be brainwashed, the team decides to take her to a hospital. However, Spider-Woman would rather the team go visit Silver Samurai's place instead to hide. They catch Silver Samurai, now missing a hand thanks to Wolverine, watching "Mean Girls" as Bendis makes the Avengers yap about the no-talent Lindsey Lohan complete with Spider-Man mentioning "Freaky Friday", which Lindsey did before she became a drunk never-was who crashed and burnt almost as soon as Hollywood proclaimed her "The It Girl" of the '00s.
No clue as to why Spider-Woman would have Doctor Strange teleport the team to Silver Samurai's place, except to watch Wolverine and his nemesis threaten each other over the whole "You chopped off my hand!"/"You stabbed me in the chest in a manner to cut my fucking heart into two pieces!" bantering. Soon Wolverine remembers Echo, tripping balls as Samurai puts two and two together about Echo being Ronin, and once again asks Wolverine why he brought the "scourge of the underworld" into his home, or even being in his house in general. Sadly we don't get Spider-Man saying "It was Spider-Woman's idea!" as Samurai goes straight into a tirade about how the Nu-Nu Avengers aren't even the "real" Avengers, as we get a cryptic reference to the villain knowing all about the schism within the team and Iron Man forming his own Avengers team. As Echo starts to heave, Silver Samurai sets up the rest of the issue flashbackwise as he asks how the devil the team even got into the country, since Doctor Strange is an impotent loser who doesn't even remember using chaos magic let alone remembering that chaos magic exist!
Which cues the flashback as we see Luke Cage accidentally stop a robbery at a super-market in Harlem the previous day as he gets seen by a cop. As the cop tries to arrest him (and shoots Luke in the face, forgetting that Luke is bulletproof), the hero formerly known as Power Man explains that "Hey! There is a robber over there on the floor! Arrest him and don't worry about me!".
By the time he leaves the store, the SHIELD Cape-Killer squad is waiting for him to arrest Luke Cage for violating the Super-Hero Registration Act. Even though Luke uses his real name and never really even HID his secret identity while working as a super-hero. Luke grabs one of the Cape-Killers out of his Cape Killing mini-jet craft and uses it to fly away to the new Nu-Nu Avenger Headquarters, which is Doctor Strange's house, which is boarded up and has a sign telling people a new Starbucks is going to be built there. Luke gets into the place, delivering his milk to his wife, Mary Sue Jones, as Doctor Strange exposites that he's using witchcraft to make the insides of the house seem empty as part of his cover for the Nu-Nu Avengers HQ as part of his cover story that he's sold his place to Starbucks, which Bendis slams by calling them a faceless corporation determined to turn New York into a giant strip mall the likes of which have never been seen. Bendis then spends a panel having Wong, Strange's man-servant, silently giving his boss the stink eye and then being told not to be snooty, to remind viewers to laugh at the joke Bendis just made. Ha-Ha....
We then see the Avengers eating noodles as Spider-Man reminds us again that Wong is a snooty ass plebian servant as Mary Sue announces, that once the SHRA is abolished and everything goes back to normal, she's going to hire a snooty asian guy to be her manservant. Which in turn leads to Wolverine cracking wise about how she already has one in the form of Luke Cage, which pisses Luke off since Bend... I mean Luke, doesn't like the fact that people are calling him pussy-whipped. Let alone a cool guy like Wolverine, who's very actions determine what is cool and what isn't cool.
Iron Fist breaks up the fighting as Spider-Woman teleportes into the room having come directly from a massive ten pile continuity trainwreck that not even Bendis's own cocksucking fanboys can defend: having just recently appeared in the over-priced and utterly unimportant "Civil War: The Initiative" one-shot that Bendis wrote, the Drew reveals that Ms. Marvel just told her that Captain America is alive and well and survived the assassination attempt. The Drew is all happy-happy, but everyone else thinks it's a trap. Especially since Cap is being held at "The Raft". So they all go to investigate, largely to shut the Drew up with Doctor Strange going first in his astral form to see Maria Hill ordering guards to stay alert and someone looking like Cap strapped down to a table. After Strange returns, we get Luke Cage going "We are the Avengers!" and go in full-force to rescue Captain America... or should I say Captain America's dead body.
Now a door opens and here comes the Iron Dick! Iron Dick tells the gang that they are under arrest and what the fuck? What are the Mighty Avengers doing here? They aren't even formed yet, what with the fact that Mighty Avengers ##1-11 taking place within a matter of days with no leyway whatsoever within the first six issues to have them appear this early in the pages of New Avengers?
Before my head explodes from yet another MAJOR MAJOR MAJOR continuity fuck-up from Bendis (seriously, can't even fucking keep his own two Avengers books continuity straight!), we cut back to Japan and Echo convulsing as Strange tries to help her purge her body of the bad LSD she was forcibly exposed to with "homeopathic enchantment spells". 'Cause offering his home to the Avengers, illusion spells, short distance teleportation, and homeopathic healing enchantment spells are all the fucking Sorcerer Supreme is good for. We now know why the Drew brought the team to Silver Samurai's place as she doesn't expect the Hand to think they'd seek sanctuary at Silver Samurai's place. Samurai mentions that the Hand has taken over all of Japan's criminal underworld and threatening decapitation to anyone who opposes Elektra's take-over. But before he can say anymore about the Hand's growing international expansion, Samurai slices Wolverine's throat with a sword and then gets knocked down to the ground by Luke Cage and Ronin #2. Suddenly Spider-Man's "Spidey Senses" start tingling and we get a full page shot of Elektra and her ninja horde minions leaping into the air as they attack Samurai's house.
Final Thoughts: Lame lame lame. Doctor Strange is useless, Spider-Woman's a dullard (though knowing she's a Skrull spy at least gives her some motive for the brainless decision to have Strange teleport the team to Silver Samurai's place), and Iron Man is still a giant dick. Oh and we have Bendis not being able to keep his shit making internally coherent as far as having the Mighty Avengers show up in New Avengers, even though in their own book, it's utterly impossible to fit into the timeline their appearing in this issue! And still no word on who's Ronin #2!
Bendis Avengers Rewind: New Avengers #27
New Avengers #27
"Revolution Part One, Ronin #2"
We are starting in the post-Civil War era of Nu Avengers as we pick up on what Echo (Maya Lopez) is doing in Japan as "Ronin" since we last saw her. She can still hear, despite her deafness and playing the role of Yakuza groupie by day and Ronin, cross-dressing super-ninja by night. Echo of course is using the Ronin suit because everyone figured out that Ronin was Bendis's lame-ass way to sneak the last of his pet characters, Daredevil, onto the book via a cheat.
Echo chuckles about the whole "Who is Echo?" thing while watching super-hero versus super-hero battling on tv and whines that she's now alone since the whole reason she kept the Bendis's dream fetish suit was because she wanted to help the Avengers out and alert them to the goings on of the Japanese mafia. Because, out of all of the threats to humanity, it's the YAKUZA that keep the Avengers awake at night, having collective nightmares of middle-aged, balding Japanese suit and tie guys coming into America and bombing Pearl Harbor and killing the Adult Swim executives who ruined Toonami.
Sadly, one of Echo's nightly fights bring the Hand and Elektra into the mix as they suprise attack her. We get lip service from Echo about what a bad-ass Elektra is as Elektra kicks her ass and stabs her with a sai, allowing her to take Echo prisoner so that she can be brainwashed into serving the Hand. Oh yeah, and Echo's deaf but you know what? Bendis keeps writing her like she isn't and that makes the whole thing even more retarded when you point out how you can't even be fucking bothered to fucking WRITE A DEAF PERSON CORRECTLY! Maybe Bendis thinks deaf=def, as in slang or some shit.
The Hand throw LSD crystals into the pit and Echo starts tripping as Elektra says it takes three days for the LSD crystals to brainwash someone. But then BLAM! A wall gets broken down and it's the Nu-Nu Avengers! Luke Cage, Wolverine, black costume Spider-Man, her royal skrull majesty "Spider-Woman", Doctor Strange, Iron Fist, and... Ronin?????
We banter where Spider-Man is all "I LOVE NINJAS!" and Wolverine who calls him on his sudden change of mind, as if to set this whole exchange up as a callback to some previous denouncement of ninjas that I can't recall off the top of my head. Apparently, House of M and Civil War changed Peter's mind about the lameness of ninjas or just the fact that battling ninjas is far better than dealing with Bendis butcher John Byrne's aborted Avengers storylines and Mark Millar's wholesale hackery and character ruination of half of the Marvel Universe. But not this reader, who wonders why the hell must we endure Bendis's lame-ass "What if Frank Miller wrote the Justice League versus ninjas" fan fiction.
There is also talk about matching outfits so that they all look like Doctor Strange and blah blah blah and Ronin #2 asks if the team always makes lame-ass small talk during battle. At least since Bendis took over the book. Iron Fist joins in, calling Spider-Man Spidey and Doctor Strange tries to use his magic to end the battling then and there, but since Bendis is writing this, he's as impotent as usual.
Elektra corners Luke Cage and Luke kicks Elektra in the cunt. IN THE CUNT! Sadly, we don't get the Nu-Nu Avengers singing out loud the "Kick in the Cunt" song from the film "Run Ronnie Run", as a nation wonders if we need any further evidence that Bendis is a woman-hating asshole.
Spidey gets Echo out of the pit and she asks Ronin #2 if it he's Daredevil, but it's not since Ed Brubaker doesn't want to have to put up with Bendis' bullshit and having to base his entire run around Bendis's dream perv suit. Doctor Strange meanwhile finally does something right and gets a teleportation spell going, as Elektra vows that the Nu-Nu Avengers will never leave Japan alive.
Final Thoughts: Not as bad as I remembered but the story is weak and Avengers Vs Ninjas is boring as hell. Remember when the Avengers fought real villains? Even the Collector, Deviants, or the Triune Understanding is better than ninjas.
"Revolution Part One, Ronin #2"
We are starting in the post-Civil War era of Nu Avengers as we pick up on what Echo (Maya Lopez) is doing in Japan as "Ronin" since we last saw her. She can still hear, despite her deafness and playing the role of Yakuza groupie by day and Ronin, cross-dressing super-ninja by night. Echo of course is using the Ronin suit because everyone figured out that Ronin was Bendis's lame-ass way to sneak the last of his pet characters, Daredevil, onto the book via a cheat.
Echo chuckles about the whole "Who is Echo?" thing while watching super-hero versus super-hero battling on tv and whines that she's now alone since the whole reason she kept the Bendis's dream fetish suit was because she wanted to help the Avengers out and alert them to the goings on of the Japanese mafia. Because, out of all of the threats to humanity, it's the YAKUZA that keep the Avengers awake at night, having collective nightmares of middle-aged, balding Japanese suit and tie guys coming into America and bombing Pearl Harbor and killing the Adult Swim executives who ruined Toonami.
Sadly, one of Echo's nightly fights bring the Hand and Elektra into the mix as they suprise attack her. We get lip service from Echo about what a bad-ass Elektra is as Elektra kicks her ass and stabs her with a sai, allowing her to take Echo prisoner so that she can be brainwashed into serving the Hand. Oh yeah, and Echo's deaf but you know what? Bendis keeps writing her like she isn't and that makes the whole thing even more retarded when you point out how you can't even be fucking bothered to fucking WRITE A DEAF PERSON CORRECTLY! Maybe Bendis thinks deaf=def, as in slang or some shit.
The Hand throw LSD crystals into the pit and Echo starts tripping as Elektra says it takes three days for the LSD crystals to brainwash someone. But then BLAM! A wall gets broken down and it's the Nu-Nu Avengers! Luke Cage, Wolverine, black costume Spider-Man, her royal skrull majesty "Spider-Woman", Doctor Strange, Iron Fist, and... Ronin?????
We banter where Spider-Man is all "I LOVE NINJAS!" and Wolverine who calls him on his sudden change of mind, as if to set this whole exchange up as a callback to some previous denouncement of ninjas that I can't recall off the top of my head. Apparently, House of M and Civil War changed Peter's mind about the lameness of ninjas or just the fact that battling ninjas is far better than dealing with Bendis butcher John Byrne's aborted Avengers storylines and Mark Millar's wholesale hackery and character ruination of half of the Marvel Universe. But not this reader, who wonders why the hell must we endure Bendis's lame-ass "What if Frank Miller wrote the Justice League versus ninjas" fan fiction.
There is also talk about matching outfits so that they all look like Doctor Strange and blah blah blah and Ronin #2 asks if the team always makes lame-ass small talk during battle. At least since Bendis took over the book. Iron Fist joins in, calling Spider-Man Spidey and Doctor Strange tries to use his magic to end the battling then and there, but since Bendis is writing this, he's as impotent as usual.
Elektra corners Luke Cage and Luke kicks Elektra in the cunt. IN THE CUNT! Sadly, we don't get the Nu-Nu Avengers singing out loud the "Kick in the Cunt" song from the film "Run Ronnie Run", as a nation wonders if we need any further evidence that Bendis is a woman-hating asshole.
Spidey gets Echo out of the pit and she asks Ronin #2 if it he's Daredevil, but it's not since Ed Brubaker doesn't want to have to put up with Bendis' bullshit and having to base his entire run around Bendis's dream perv suit. Doctor Strange meanwhile finally does something right and gets a teleportation spell going, as Elektra vows that the Nu-Nu Avengers will never leave Japan alive.
Final Thoughts: Not as bad as I remembered but the story is weak and Avengers Vs Ninjas is boring as hell. Remember when the Avengers fought real villains? Even the Collector, Deviants, or the Triune Understanding is better than ninjas.
Monday, August 24, 2009
My Nerdrage Blog Lives.....
This latest attempt at a nerdrage blog is partially inspired by the recent series of blowjo... I mean
"reviews" that Chad Nevett did for the Bendis's abortion of an Avengers run. You can probably still see the cum on his lips as he basically blows Bendis just about non-stop.
So I'm going to go go over my issues of the Bendis run and review them to show you how and why they suck. I'll be actually reading and recapping them, TWOP style complete with them being slightly out of order as I will be starting with New Avengers #27. And before anyone asks, I don't plan on reviewing Avengers Disassembled (though I'll probably write an essay on why it's easily the worst story of this decade comicwise and why it should be used as exhibit A to permenantly ban Brian Michael Bendis from EVER being allowed to make a living as a writer) and the Civil War tie-in issues, of which I only own about two of them (the Captain America and Spider-Woman issues).
"reviews" that Chad Nevett did for the Bendis's abortion of an Avengers run. You can probably still see the cum on his lips as he basically blows Bendis just about non-stop.
So I'm going to go go over my issues of the Bendis run and review them to show you how and why they suck. I'll be actually reading and recapping them, TWOP style complete with them being slightly out of order as I will be starting with New Avengers #27. And before anyone asks, I don't plan on reviewing Avengers Disassembled (though I'll probably write an essay on why it's easily the worst story of this decade comicwise and why it should be used as exhibit A to permenantly ban Brian Michael Bendis from EVER being allowed to make a living as a writer) and the Civil War tie-in issues, of which I only own about two of them (the Captain America and Spider-Woman issues).
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